Speckled Green

And there’s nothing more to say.

Ohk, I’ll say a little more.

A piece of advice for you peoples who are reading this: Love is the most complicated, confusing, enjoyable and yet painful emotion you will ever experience, and as such, you should either be ready to feel plenty of some of the worst pain you’ll ever have in your life in between its bouts of joys it throws at you, or just plain old avoid it =P

With that pronouncement I shall now announce why I announced that pronouncement, announcing clearly with proper pronunciation.

I’ve absolutely no idea why I decided to write that. Simple! Ohk, maybe I have some idea, but I don’t want to go into it too much.

But if you look at it, Love is what made God send his Son to save us. Love is what binds together families (normally). Love is what can bring people to forgive someone over and over again for the wrongs they have done. Love is what can make a person unable to bring anger against someone, and be compassionate. Love is what can bring happiness to the people touched by it. Love is what binds many (not necessarily most) couples together (especially, you hope, with marriages).

And yet, love is what can cause us to feel saddened, pained, hurt and empty. When a loved one dies, the searing pain of loss can be a very painful thing to endure. (This point especially in stories) when someone you love betrays your trust/love in them, negative feelings flow through you like a flood. When you fall in love with someone, and yearn after them. When jealousy gnaws at your heart when you see that special someone with someone else, and you work hard to hide it, and the effort feels so hard. When your parents who you love dearly argue or separate, and you’re torn and upset over the issue/happening. When (from a guy’s perspective) you argue with someone you love, and then you feel horribly guilty about arguing, and making them angry/upset, and then you mentally kick yourself over and over again for being such a git (or you feel really angry at them and don’t want to face them again)…

Many of you reading this will think many things, ranging from ‘pfft, weird’ and ‘wtf, what is this?’ to ‘sounds true to me…’ and other thoughts (or so I predict. For all I know, you could all think I’ve lost my marbles…).

Another really strong thing in life is this: Always, Always, Always, Always keep on trying in life, and keep some hope.

Believe me, a little hope can go a long way. People who have some hope of a better future ahead of them, or something, will often be determined to go through some of the worst things of life just to see that hope come to fruition. Reminds me of something I read once. In London, a church group decided to raise some money to place ads on busses with a verse “When the son of man comes, will he find faith on the earth?” (Luke 18:8). A woman found this annoying, and formed a group to put up ads that said “There’s probably no God. Now stop worry and enj0y your life.” (how rude…).

One man, who had recently lost an Uncle and 13 years earlier his father, commented in an article “What on earth is there to celebrate? We’re talking about death, about not existing, being wiped out for ever. And it can happen any time. If that’s not a cause for worry what is? … … Believers can take comfort in certainty; atheists have to take solace in the fact that life is short and then you die. That may be the truth but, my question is, how is that meant to cheer us up?” I feel that that is an example of what hope can do for people. I feel a hope that, one day, when I die, even if my life has been miserable, rotten, short, painful, or even the opposite, I will one day be with God in his world of perfection… (aka Heaven)

If you’re still reading this, then I feel I can continue on jabbering away about anything and nothing related to the heart and mind. Like how I’m an absolute coward. It’s true, and I admit it. I’m a chicken, coward, pussy, sissy, whatever you want to call me. I can’t face my fears (unless I’m kinda forced/compelled to). I don’t feel like I can face a challenge, I’d rather do something easy than something new. I can’t bring myself to face someone and say something that’ll disappoint them. I can’t even bring myself to face or talk to Jaz…

I could be frightened by bugs or spiders. I fear the unknown. I’m scared of making mistakes. I’m scared of many things…

I feel down, annoyed, frustrated, jealous, sad. Lost. Confused. Mixed up. But sometimes I can feel pleased, fine, happy, bored, interested, amused, engaged…

My emotions make no sense. I make no sense. I think I’ll agree with several of my friends. I’m weird.

I put on a mask when in the company of others. A mask of calm, boredom, happiness, indifference. A mask that covers the twisting and shifting of the emotions under it, a mask that is flawed, and only effective on some, a mask that I’m often too lazy to employ.

I guess sometimes I look like something is wrong, or bothering me. But, honestly, I can’t seem to find a reason as to why I look like something is bothering me. There probably is something bothering me, but, when someone asks me about it, even if I wanted to answer with what it’s about… I just can’t. I just don’t know what is bothering me, and as such, I can’t give an answer (imagine how it would go “What’s bothering you Ant?” “Iunno…” “Come on, tell me…” “I really don’t know” “You sure nothing’s bothering you? You sure you don’t know?” “Yes, I’m sure I don’t know… I just can’t seem to work out what’s wrong” “Ok then…”)

I guess sometimes I seem to ‘lonerize’ myself, stand away from the group, be by myself, stare off into space, be distracted by something in my mind… A lot of these times I feel like I want to be by myself, and then a few minutes later, I want some company of friends, but as I go over to spend time with them, I feel uninterested in their conversation, I feel like I don’t hold their enthusiasm, and I lapse back into my staring off into space…

I often find myself just sitting there, listening to the conversations around me.

What have I done to my life? Sometimes I really don’t like life (well, some parts of it). It hurts to look around and see all the happiness sometimes…

And I think I’ll stop sounding so depressed and end this post.

EDIT: Excluding this sentance, this post is 1165 words long!?!